The Way of the World
by Miiko Ashida
Summary: A series of vignettes peeking into the lives of the Shinsengumi. Funny, sad, painful--life is emotions, and even demons can feel. Words taken from the LJ weekly word community.
1. Chilling

Chilling

(Word 37)

* * *

I watch him leap in, cut down. I block. He backs away. This is Okita, who buys me candy on Saturdays and pleads with me to brush his hair each evening. This is Okita, who stole a haiku book and risked being spanked just to cheer me up. Okita, who sometimes has the eyes of my parents' killer.

So much cruelty in those eyes, cold eyes that have indifferently overseen wholesale slaughter. Sometimes they are bright and innocent, shining like a child given a new toy. Sometimes his eyes do enough smiling to be more brilliant than ten men grinning. But I have seen those eyes narrow and meet with his victim's as a throat is slit or a heart pierced.

His eyes are narrowed now, but with concentration, not anger or hatred. He makes a thrust at my unguarded left side. I see and know it is coming and do not move.

Pain explodes as the blow connects, but I stare into his eyes as they widen and he leaps backward. Those eyes speak to me now: _Why didn't you move? Are you hurt?_ I smile and rush in at his legs, noting all the while that his eyes have cleared completely. For now, I have chased the demon out. But it is chilling how quickly the fiend returns, and once again, I must parry.


	2. Competition

Competition

(Word 46)

* * *

Those eyes...tiny black pinpricks of hateful rage, staring at him, boring holes into his soul... Tetsu shuddered. The only time he had ever seen an expression to rival it was the night his parents were murdered.

Hands shaking, he approached with caution. If he thought Okita could be sadistic sometimes, he knew this one would not let him off half so easily. Their rivalry was strong and fierce, a burning force driving them to compete. Who did Okita-san like better? Who did he talk to most? Who did he touch more often? Of course, Tetsu had complete confidence that if push came to shove, Okita-san would choose him.

Then again, so did the enemy. And this was a never-ending battle, because Okita flat out refused to pick either one, so they were just going to do it for him. Since Tetsu had initiated the staring contest, those wicked, cruel eyes had not blinked once. Damn him. Trying to take Okita-san away!

In the middle of their epic struggle, a clash of wits and will to the end, Hijikata interrupted to call Tetsu for his tea. Cursing, the boy stalked off, throwing a backward glance at his competitor.

"Buhi!" grunted Saizo smugly. Curse that piglet.


	3. Redeem

Redeem

(Word 62)

* * *

It's too hard.

The sword is clenched between my fingers, slippery in the warm April rain, and with every downward stroke my muscles scream at me, not unlike Tatsu-nii's admonishments. _Stupid boy, what are you thinking now, trying to do something you _know_ you can't!_ I'm sorry, I think, but I have to get stronger. I have to get stronger so Hijikata-fukuchou will know I am a man. I have to get stronger so I can find my parents' killer. I have to get stronger, but I don't really have a reason.

Not one that doesn't follow circular logic. I need a reason that I can explain, that I believe in from the bottom of my heart.

Revenge isn't a reason. But I have nothing else, so I clutch at it, like a drowning man, and it pulls me down farther, past what I used to know about my own heart and mind.

These days, it seems Okita-san is the only one who sees me. Okita-san, who is watching me right now, frowning slightly. If he were Tatsu-nii, I'd say he was worrying I might catch cold. Since he's not, it's probably that he knows what I'm thinking, and is about to tell me I'm fine as I am–then he'll smile and say a little candy will fix me right up, like that's the answer to everything. Okita-san, the only person who believes I'll find my reason, and doesn't care that I don't have one right now.

Okita-san... Would he know if, in my mind, I start to call him Souji? If he knew...would he be angry?

"Tetsu-kun?"

I stop, and turn to look at him. "Hai." I continue my practice. Stronger...

"We should go in. You can't practice if you get sick."

He knows what I'm going to say next. There's no point in it, and I just bark the same words over and over again, but I have to say it. I'll look desperate if I'm out here for no reason. "I need to get stronger."

"No. No, you don't." Gentle hands pry the shinai from my grip. When did he get so close? Right next to me and I never noticed. "Tetsu-kun, don't strain yourself. When it is ready, it will come. You can't be a man before you've finished being a boy."

He's read my mind again. How does he do it? Something in me feels glad to be understood, but another, ugly part of me rises to the surface and snaps back with what I know will hurt him, deeper than whatever he shows: "What about you? You jumped right in when you were nine."

Even as I curse myself for saying it, Okita's eyes narrow almost imperceptibly. "Exactly. I know what you risk. Do you want to become like me, someone who can't be saved?"

"That's not true! I'll save you!" I grab at his sleeve, my eyes pleading.

"You can't save me. No one can." Sadness is in his eyes, not anger.

Okita drops the shinai on the ground and walks away. I pick it up again, staring at the contrast of the wood against my hands. Slowly, I find my stance again and begin to swing.

This is too hard. I have to be stronger, to be worthy of him. So he'll let me fight for his redemption.


	4. Tender

Tender

(Word 57)

* * *

Tastu always called it "raccoon sleeping", the way Tetsu crawls into his lap sometimes and cried out all his troubles. Lately, it had been far more often, and Tatsu hardly needed to ask the reason: Okita's illness was a debilitating blow, and even Tetsu's strong spirit buckled and threatened to break under it.

Always, Tatsu would gather his brother into his arms and rub his back, muttering soothing words until muffled sobs turned into the shaky sighs of fitful sleep. Gently, Tatsu ran his hands through Tetsu's hair, as though afraid that if he woke him, something terrible would happen. "I wanted to protect you," he whispers, the red mop tickling his face as he rests his head on top of his brother's hair. "How could I let your heart break like this?"

He had always known Tetsu would get hurt. He just hadn't expected not to be able to offer any words of comfort. This wasn't like the pain a woman could inflict; it was more like the pain Tetsu had known once when their parents were killed. Then, though, Tatsu had shared the burden: now he had no idea what the boy in his arms was feeling as he cried and forgot about being strong and even when Tatsu should have been sad for him, he couldn't stop the thought that it might be a blessing in disguise, this tragedy that reminded him that he couldn't control everything, and that all he could ever really do is to help Tetsu cope, when the tears came.

"Tatsu-nii..." Soft, hesitant.

"Shh, Tetsu."

"Tatsu-nii, do you love me?"

Pause. Sniffle. "Yes, Tetsu. I love you so much..."


End file.
